Heavy (An Explination)

I've been feeling like the world is trying to put it's weight on me. I've been stressing about so many things that it's unreal. And to be completely honest, I think quite a few of you have noticed. If you follow me on twitter ( @c0olxx ) you would know that I definitely have been in my feelings. I am writing this to give a little explanation. I've been through some things in the past few months. An incident which I would rather not speak on, a missing in action father and his crazy girlfriend (who I can't wait to strangle if given the opportunity), a family who won't stop judging me, a best friend who has clearly lost her mind over some foolish BOY and has left me and my other best friend to fend for ourselves in this cold, cold world, my own personal insecurities coming back to haunt me, and two new pairs of jeans that just won't fit. They literally do not fit...how sad. I can't say my life is the worst but nevertheless, I am going through something things right now causing me to be a bit angry and a little little bit emotional. Not to mention my lack of privacy in this life! On campus, I have a roommate and at home I don't have a room. I can never lock myself away somewhere, be alone and vent by myself. There is always someone lurking or watching and it is pretty annoying. So instead of me having the opportunity to let go, I bottle it up. I don't even tell my friends the HALF of it.

My mind has really been all over the place. Constant reminders of what has happened in the past, constant reminders of a possible negative future that I will have to face, possible friendships ending, and facing some personal problems I thought I already conquered are all a few of the things that are on my menu for thought. It just really has taken an emotional toll on me. I have been writing, listening to music, praying, and even working out to try and ease the pain but the fact is being at home doesn't make things any better. When your away at college, the problems are there. Yes, they exist BUT when you are at home you are submerged in them and that is what makes it a bigger issue. And working out helps..I just need to be consistent (which I am working on!).

I am trying to be confident that things will get better, I really am. There are just some things that need to change. I am going to keep praying harder and harder every single day that everything will get better and that time will heal me (and God of course). I am also going to believe that things will get better. I have to not only WILL it into existence but I need to actively PUT it into existence. I am a firm believer that everything is temporary including emotions. This too, shall pass.

On a lighter note: I bet some of you guys were expecting some sad love story about how some foolish boy broke my heart, right? Lol. No no no. You were WRONG. I have an interest or two but the one who "broke my heart" (I guess) and the ones who have come and gone are right where they need to be; THE PAST. I am not looking for a relationship but I am not DECLINING a relationship either. Whatever happens in this case, happens. I know what I want and I am not settling for anything less than the whole package.

In a nutshell, just bare with me. Things are just a bit heavy right now.