This is the life you live as a college student. One minute you're running your own life, in charge of something...the next you're waiting on everyone like a servant. I'm not complaining about chores. I'm complaining about the way my life is right now. When I first went off to college I was so involved and so absorbed with my work that my attention was almost always occupied. And when I wasn't busy with something I had a great group of friends to celebrate with. What were we celebrating? Well, we were celebrating independence.
College doesn't just teach you what you need to know to get your degree. College teaches you things about yourself that you would have never known otherwise. I learned that when I have nothing to do, majority of the time, I don't know what to do with myself. I've also learned that when I have too much to do, I don't know what to do with myself. I am a complicated soul. I even realized how much money doesn't MAKE the fun, but how it surely does open the doors to it. When you realize how much money you don't have and all of the fun things you can't do, you can become disappointed. It's so difficult being in this place where you're an adult but you are not capable of doing adult things. You have to rely on others for money, follow their rules, live this by the book lifestyle...instead of just playing by your own rules. Of course, I could get my own job but who wants to hire someone who's only going to be home for a month and a half before she goes abroad and then returns just in time to go out of the country for the semester, again. It's this ridiculous cycle of circumstance that I keep running into that is ( and what feels like) keeping me from progressing.
On campus I feel like I am alive. Like, I'm living life the way I've always dreamed. I am in charge of different things, I am not in others, but regardless of my part I have something to look forward to. If it isn't homework, papers, assignments, research, it's organizational paperwork, event planning, meeting schedules, and if, and only if something doesn't need to be done within those realms, I can do something fun. Of course, anyone who knows me, knows I made sure I fit my fun in somewhere but trust me when I tell you I payed the price. To be completely honest though, I think I would have payed the price either way. Without the fun I would drive myself insane but with only the work load, I would most likely drop out. And the truth of the matter is, I can't say I regret any part of it. But the reason why I am telling you all this is because today I realized that college taught me how I want to live my life. I need something to look forward to.
No, I don't want to live completely swamped with work or completely freed of it. But I know that I need to live my life: with a constant balance between what I need to do and what I want to do. And unfortunately, I don't think I will ever get that while I'm in college. I mean, not anytime soon at least. This past semester has shown me that even when one aspect of your life is going perfectly, other parts can be falling apart in the palm of your hand. I digress. I just know that college opened my eyes and gave me a taste of fulfillment. The only problem about having a taste and not the entire platter, is that I'm not a little girl and my appetite is not small. Sigh.
But, to take away from my complaint and make myself seem extremely ungrateful, I've been dealing with issues regarding my summer study abroad. After some unfortunate circumstances, money became a serious issue and there was a possibility that I wouldn't be going to France this summer. By the grace of God, I was able to get it and I will definitely be heading to Cannes, France on June 27th. It's funny how I just complained about my feelings yet, I still notice my blessings. And even in the midst of writing this, I realized that I was rejected four scholarships that I worked so hard to apply for and I am so blessed at how the circumstances have changed. I was frantic at the end of the semester. I needed these scholarships more than anything. And to know that, as much as I needed them, I still got what I was fighting for.
This is why I love blogging and writing. In the midst of me writing one thing, I end up writing another and coming to all of these realizations. The wonderful power of words and thoughts in combination.
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