Homesickness

The past few days I have been experiencing homesickness and a number of other negative feelings toward my experience here in Spain. I’ve become accustomed to the way of life here, I am now relying on my daily siesta after lunch, and I no longer feel the need to go out and get tapas regularly. To say the least, the honeymoon phase of being abroad is completely over. Real life has set in. At this point, it’s not even home that I miss, it’s just little things about the US that I miss so much. Not just my loved ones, but that good ol’ American culture that we so often forget that we have. I miss being made comfortable.

For starters, I miss people smiling at me when they find themselves looking too long or too hard. It’s a simple gesture to say, hey, there’s no problem. I was just intrigued by you but I hope all is well and continue on with your life like this never happened. We take things like that completely for granted. Truthfully, before I came abroad I had no idea that Americans even had a culture. In fact, I was convinced that we were the only culture in the world that didn’t have one. But the truth is we do. From smiling to people in the street, from speaking to your neighbors when you walk by, from that awesome southern hospitality, to the carefree summer life that we like to live, it is all a part of our culture. Sure, they are small, but those are the things I miss most about home.

Another thing I miss about home is the diversity in the people. Some people may be getting tired of my continuous habit of mentioning being black abroad but it is a fact that I will never be able to escape and it is something I will continue to talk about. People need to be educated on what happens abroad and learn to appreciate the diversity that we have been blessed with. Diversity is not, by any means, a luxury that other cultures have. While we still have our good ol’ American problems with race and prejudice, we still must give credit to the growth that we have encountered. Here, you don’t see races mixed with others. Not because there is an extreme dislike, but because this country lacks diversity. I mean, they aren’t obligated to be diverse, however the reactions of people when they see someone of another race or culture (For example, women in hijabs) is comical and in many ways sad. They stare as if they are trying to penetrate into your soul, they’re eyes glisten with wonder and curiosity, and even some of them will have a look and deem themselves better than you. I never thought I’d live in a society where I am not only a foreigner but I am different in every single way. I’m sure a long glamorous weave would have made this trip easier on me; however my skin still gives me away. Africans stare at me just as much as the Spaniards do, and so do the groups of foreigners that are here for sightseeing. I guess you could say I am a sight to see here.

It’s interesting how I miss things from our street signs, our mannerisms, to things like not being stared at like I am some sort of exhibit. It’s also a very humbling and empowering experience. It’s not comfortable being abroad at times. As Americans we already have a strike against us simply because of the country that we are from. Any other differences will just add more and more to the list of strikes against you that will make you more and more uncomfortable. But in the midst of discomfort there will always be growth. I have grown more in these past five months of traveling than I have in my college career. Being faced with all of the cons of studying abroad as well as my own personal battles has proven me to be a warrior at heart. It has not been easy but I surely see growth.

Only time will tell how much I’ve really learned from all of this though. Only continuing with my time here and completing my semester abroad, will show me how much of a warrior I truly am. Only when I finish will I learn how much I am willing to fight for the things I must do for myself. Times like today and the past few days, I haven’t been too willing to take on that warrior role. I want to hide in the arms of my strong man, cuddle somewhere comfortable, and just be 100% protected by him. I want to be a walk away from my girls and jump into their beds and complain about things like my nails breaking, or my face breaking out. You know, girl talk. I want to go to starbucks for coffee and use their free wifi until I can’t use it any more. I want to walk into a store and be greeted by people who actually care if I spend my money there. I don’t want to be a warrior today. I want to be comfortable.

I am taking this weekend to study for my midterms, relax, and to let myself mourn a little for my comfort level. It’s not going to get any better! I won’t be seeing land of the red, white, and blue for a long time (50 days to be exact) and I have to prepare myself to be a warrior, even when I don’t want to. Besides, I’m not home sick all of the time. I suppose for the time being I will only be completely comfortable when I learn to find comfort in discomfort. I have faith that I will find that balance. 

Sorry, this post was written last week. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy!