Lifestyle Change: What's it really about?

 All my life I have struggled with weight and body image issues. I've dealt with self-hate, eating disorders, self-harm and going about everything body-related the wrong way. I truly believed that my life would be better if I were thin with long hair and in sexy clothes somewhere getting attention from someone! I knew that one day I would have that but I absolutely hated myself in the process. I know what you’re thinking. You are shaking your head because you have no clue what a little girl is thinking “trying to be sexy” or why at such a young age I was worried about attention. You may also be wondering why I was so obsessed with my body and what was weighing on my heart so much that I couldn't even find it in my heart to love myself. Well, for starters, don’t pity me. Or wonder why I went through all of this. It was a journey that would lead me to where I am now and I am so grateful for feeling all of these things.

I am glad that I know what it is like to hate myself. Don’t get me wrong, I will never EVER encourage self-hate, harm or anything of that nature. But for me, I needed to feel it. I needed to know what it was like to hit rock bottom. I needed to hate myself from the inside out. I needed to because now I know what it is like to have been to a place where no one ever wants to go and where some people have never been. I now know what true love is. I recognize what can come of letting the world dictate what I should look like or who I should be and being there showed me that the world is always WRONG. I am who I am because of the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual pain I've dealt with, and so I am grateful to know the direction that I no longer want to go.

Every year my goal is to “reach my goal weight”. I swear, every New Year and every birthday I say I am going to do things differently and really make a change in my lifestyle. I begin to work out two and three hours a day, I eat clean and I criticize myself EVERY. STEP. OF. THE. WAY. Yeah, you read correctly. I criticize myself all the time. It wasn't until this past year that I really began to understand why I am still on this plateau that I've been on. You can’t continue to be led by what the world says you should look like. You cannot tell yourself you are not good enough while at the same time trying to become your best you yet! All of these things are contradictions that I constantly deal with every time I rededicate my efforts to my body.

Success will never grow from a bad seed. I am never successful when I allow myself to stress over things that are not genuinely about my health and wellness. I love myself and generally, I eat well, drink water and try to keep exercise as a general part of my life. I enjoy being active and I truly enjoy working out but I find that, when I try to mix my body’s needs and health with wanting to be “thin” and “fit” into a bikini, I lose sight of my REAL goals and I fail. Sometimes I allow those desires and those feelings of inadequacy creep up into my daily life and destroy what I have worked so hard for. Most people see me as this beautiful, confident, goal-driven woman and they could never fathom that I was not always this person. I am the person you all believe me to be but sometimes who I was tries to return and when I let those thoughts fester and corrupt this peace that I have, it ruins everything.

Changing my life to become healthy and well has always been a struggle for me but I am so proud of where I have come from. I eat well, I am aware of what I put into my body, I exercise and I do not let society tell me that there is something wrong with me. I don’t cringe at my curves or look down at myself for not being a size 4. I embrace my size 16 ass and I show off every inch of beauty that I was blessed with. I am proud of the 30lbs I've lost and whatever else I may lose in the future. But know that my life is not about losing weight or being pretty. It’s about living happily for as long as God blesses me with breath and taking care of the one body he gave me to inhabit and protect.

I hope you find peace in your journey too.

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